It’s amazing how suddenly important things seem so stupid. And what was passing me by is now gone- faith, hope, a certain kind of love that you will forever regret not having held onto sooner, tighter and having appreciated more profoundly.  I have wasted so much heart and time loving what was not worthy, what does not give back to me in a meaningful way, hurting for things, people and places that do not make me who I am.  But maybe it did make me who I am, but I have changed and do not recognize myself or those places anymore. It feels so unfair to see life blooming now in spring; I feel no comfort because I am always stuck in winter, in bare branches, on trodden paths that suddenly stop because there is only brush ahead.   They say these moments are all lessons to be learned in life, but I have yet to know what it has taught me.  I always seem to love the wrong things and I always make the mistake of believing in the purity and lie of the moment.

 
I lost my littlest, cutest, best friend.  Oh goodness.  My heart is so shattered.

 

I have many regrets and a big old hole in my heart for everything I’ve ever lost. I’m sorry little girl, for not having saved you.  I forever lost part of myself too, when I lost you.  

You were better than most people I know.

current mood: crushed

I’ve never been alone. But I’ve been lonely a million times over.  Right now I wish I could be alone. I wish I didn’t have to be accounted for, because it feels like every second of my life is accounted to someone or something.  Sometimes I want to be everything for everyone.  But so many times I feel like people take the best from me and leave me empty.  You ever feel like that? 

I’ve always thought about what my greatest wish would be.  I always thought my greatest wish was something stupid like be prettier or skinnier or smarter or whatever.  But I really wish more than anything is to know complete and utter freedom.  Freedom from responsibility or desire or hurt or hope.  Freedom from thoughts and feelings that hold you back.  Freedom from fear.  I want to be brave and do things because I know life is so short.  Tomorrow God could take me away from everything and I wonder if I would be satisfied with everything I’ve ever experienced.   I’ve done so much.  I’m proud of that.  But there is so much more I want to experience.  I want to do silly things like ride a really big rollercoaster or get a huge tattoo on my arm or sit on a shore for 5 hours straight.   One of the most amazing moments that ever happened to me was on a weekend trip I took in college.  I stayed at Caumsett State park and about a mile down from the house was this beach.  I had to walk through a long lonely wooded path and I was nervous because my paranoia really kicked in but I marched right to the shore.  It was early April on a Saturday afternoon (oh my goodness, I just remembered. it was the day after Kurt Cobain was discovered dead).   The entire beach was empty and I sat down and sat there for hours.  I didn’t do anything but stay there and watch the sea.  It was so windy and somewhat cold.  It was the most calming, emotional experience I had.  No one knew I was there and I didn’t have to rush back for anything or anyone because I wasn’t due home until Monday.  I felt so liberated.  And really truly at peace.  The ocean just mesmerizes me because it reminds me so much of my own constant emotional state, really deep, really dark and so overwhelming.  But I love its profoundness and its peacefulness and how soothing it can be.  When I was a kid, I used to dream about living on an island, so I could hear the shore from any open window.  I love it so much.  I long to be near it and reconnect with myself and remember how meaningful and wonderful life can be.   But don’t get me wrong.  I know how good life can be.  But too many times I become self-absorbed in my fears and I let all my fears get the best of me.  I want to let go of that self-control.  I want to experience everything, even that which is not permitted for me to do.  Because if tomorrow never came, I would regret not having lived through moments like those.  I try really hard to appreciate every moment and person in my life.  I love people more than they will ever know.  And I try to tell them how I feel, because I want to give them the happiness of knowing that there is someone who loves them so much and would do anything for them.  But it sucks because the people I often love most, usually never care about how they make me feel.  I’m sure they don’t realize it.  But love is a double-edged sword don’t you think?  Because when it hurts, it’s the worst thing. Ever.  I wish I knew freedom from that as well.  I secretly try to study and practice Buddhism because I really embrace the idea of letting go of all that holds you down.  That’s where I think real power lies.  Can you imagine not feeling anything at all?  It sounds really bad, but therein lies the freedom I dream about.

I sound like a terrible person.

current mood: crushed

Right now, I am missing so many people that I love.

I am in a similar place right now where I was some years ago. There is this big hole in my heart and nothing seems to make me feel complete.  It always has to do with love, whether it be love for myself, love for someone else, or love from someone else.  But it always has to do with this nagging feeling that I mean nothing, especially to some of the people who I love so much. 

There are so many moments when I get past the despair and feel incredibly lucky to have so much love to offer.  I imagine what life is like for many and how I would feel if I lost my entire world this second.  In that moment, I am grateful for love because it gives me an insight to life and its preciousness.  Sometimes I think how absolutely wonderful it is to know what love is, to see how it colors the entire world, to feel its power and awe as it consumes your heart.  I am very lucky to be alive and conscious and aware of this incredible feeling.  So what if I am in love with you? So what if you don’t love me?  It makes me appreciate you and value your beauty and be so very thankful to be in your presence.   To have known you, met you is an incredible treasure to me…and even if that same love is not returned, your life has brought a wonderful new light to mine. 

But here I am, trapped by an emotion that has nowhere to go.  It encages me because I cannot act upon it and I have no way to make it meaningful or purposeful.  My love cannot touch your face, or kiss your eyes and I can never know what is like to be the recipient of your desire.  My love cannot bring my friend back from death, it cannot reach the heart of my lost friend so far away.  It cannot read your mind to know if you think of me too in the middle of the night when the day is at its darkest and quietest.  Love cannot ever know if you feel the same.  And so I long for something and someone and some sort of connection that makes me feel whole and wanted and worthwhile.   I cannot have what I really want.  And I have to reconcile with that.  I have to see your face everywhere I go and be reminded of how much I want something I will never get.  And as selfish as I really, truly want to be, I will put all those who I love before my own needs.  It will only be my heart that gets continuously broken, because what is the sense of breaking yours? I don’t mean to be a martyr because I am the farthest thing from it.  But I think of your face and your voice and listen to your hurt and I don’t want to become that future heartache in your chest, the bad memory that ruined you.   I love you, but I may never tell you so.  You may not ever know that there is someone in the world who wants nothing more than you.   And I’m so jealous, because I wish there was someone out there who ached for me too.

current mood: sad